Saturday 26 July 2014

SHOWING YOURSELF FRIENDLY

If you are highly principled, firm, blunt, strict, disciplined, outspoken, opinionated and goal-focused, do not expect to be very popular. In fact, expect to be unpopular. But know that some of those who regard themselves as your enemies are actually secret admirers! LOL! They hate your guts but somewhat find you intriguing. 

Yet, you need people to succeed in life; the RIGHT kind of people. There are many folks who are best left out in your pursuit of purpose. And there are those who, like Lot to Abraham; Saul, Ahitophel and even Absalom to David; Barnabas, Mark and Demas (to Paul), are in your life for a season, however long their tenure with you, and must yield their place in your life in due time as God takes you into new levels in your Destiny's Quest. Only your spouse should really be certain to you as a "Life Partner"! :-D

Nevertheless, you should not make yourself needlessly repulsive to people. "HE THAT HAS FRIENDS MUST SHOW HIMSELF FRIENDLY" [Proverbs 18:24]. And we can deduce from that Bible passage that he that shows himself friendly shall have friends. 

Below is an article I found very illuminating and which I believe would help you too.



SIX TOXIC BEHAVIORS THAT PUSH PEOPLE AWAY: HOW TO RECOGNIZE THEM IN YOURSELF AND CHANGE

by KATHY CAPRINO

(https://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20140620200646-17850276-6-toxic-behaviors-that-push-people-away-how-to-recognize-them-in-yourself-and-change-them?trk=tod-home-art-list-large_0)

In my line of work, I hear from hundreds of people a month, and connect with professionals in a more public, open way than ever before. Through this experience, I've seen scores of toxic behaviors that push people away (including me). And I’ve witnessed the damage these behaviors cause – to relationships, professional success, and to the well-being of both the individual behaving negatively, and to everyone around him or her.

Let’s be real - we’ve all acted in toxic, damaging ways at one time or another (none of us are immune to it), but many people are more evolved, balanced, and aware, and it happens only rarely in their lives.

Whether your toxic behavior is a common occurrence, or once in a blue moon, it’s critical for your happiness and success that you are able to recognize when you’re behaving badly, and shift it when it emerges.

The six most toxic behaviors I see every day are:

* Taking everything personally

In the powerful little book The Four Agreements, don Miguel Ruiz talks about the importance of taking nothing personally. I teach this in my coaching programs and my book Breakdown, Breakthrough as well, and there is so much pushback. “Really, Kathy – don’t take anything personally?”

People are toxic to be around when they believe that everything that happens in life is a direct assault on them or is in some way all about them. The reality is that what people say and do to you is much more about them, than you. People’s reactions to you are about their filters, and their perspectives, wounds and experiences. Whether people think you’re amazing, or believe you’re the worst, again, it’s more about them. I’m not saying we should be narcissists and ignore all feedback. I am saying that so much hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives comes from our taking things personally when it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of others’ good or bad opinion of you, and to operate with your own heart, intuition and wisdom as your guide. So yes – don’t take anything personally.

* Obsessing about negative thoughts

It’s very hard to be around people who can’t or won’t let go of negativity – when they dwell on and speak incessantly about the terrible things that could happen and have happened, the slights they’ve suffered, and the unfairness of life. These people stubbornly refuse to see the positive side of life and the positive lessons from what’s transpiring. Pessimism is one thing – but remaining perpetually locked in negative thoughts is another. Only seeing the negative, and operating from a view that everything is negative and against you, is a skewed way of thinking and living, and you can change that.

* Treating yourself like a victim

Another toxic behavior is non-stop complaining that fuels your sense of victimization. Believing you’re a victim, that you have no power to exert and no influence on the direction of your life, is a toxic stance that keeps you stuck and small. Working as a therapist with people who’ve suffered terrible trauma in their lives but found the courage to turn it all around, I know that we have access to far more power, authority, and influence over our lives than we initially believe. When you stop whining, and refuse to see yourself as a hapless victim of fate, chance or discrimination, then you’ll find that you are more powerful than you realized, but only if you choose to accept that reality.

* Cruelty - lacking in empathy or putting yourself in others shoes

One of the most toxic and damaging behaviors – cruelty – stems from a total lack of empathy, concern or compassion for others. We see it every day online and in the media – people being devastatingly cruel and destructive to others just because they can. They tear people down online but in a cowardly way, using their anonymity as a weapon. Cruelty, backstabbing, and ripping someone to shreds is toxic, and it hurts you as well as your target. 

I had a powerful learning experience about this a few years ago. I came into the house one day in a nasty mood, and shared a mean, sniping comment to my husband about the way a neighbor was parenting her child through one of his problem phases. In less than 24 hours, that very same issue the parent was dealing with came home to roost in my house, with my child. It was as if the Universe sent me the message that, “Ah, if you want to be cruel and demeaning about someone, we’ll give you the same experience you’ve judged so negatively, so you can learn some compassion.” And I did.

If you find yourself backstabbing and tearing someone else down, stop in your tracks. Dig deep and find compassion in your heart, and realize that we’re all the same.

* Excessive reactivity

An inability to manage your emotions is toxic to everyone around you. We all know these people – men and women who explode over the smallest hiccup or problem. Yelling at the bank teller for the long line, screaming at your assistant for the power point error he made, or losing it with your child for spilling milk on the floor. If you find that you’re overly reactive, losing it at every turn, you need some outside assistance to help you gain control over your emotions and understand what’s at the root of your emotionality. There’s more to it that appears on the surface. An outside perspective – and a new kind of support – is critical.

* Needing constant validation

Finally, people who constantly strive for validation and self-esteem by obsessing about achieving outward measures of success, are exhausting to be around. Those men and women who get caught up in the need to prove their worth over and over, and constantly want to “win” over their colleagues or peers, are toxic and draining.

Overly-attaching to how things have to look and be, and to achieving certain milestones and accomplishments rather than going with life in a more flexible, easy manner, can wear you out and bring everyone else around you down . There is a bigger picture to your life, and it’s not about what you achieve or fail at today. It’s about the journey, the process, the path - what you’re learning and applying, how you’re helping others, and the growing process you allow yourself to engage in.

Stop stressing over the particular outcomes like, “I need that promotion now!” or “My house has to be bigger and more beautiful than my neighbor’s.” Your desperate need to prove your success and build your self-esteem through outer measures of success is (sadly) apparent to everyone but you, and it’s pushing away the very happiness outcomes you’re longing for.

Sunday 13 July 2014

LIFE LESSONS FROM THE BRAZIL-GERMANY FIFA WORLD CUP SEMI-FINAL MATCH

Life Lessons from the Brazil-Germany Semi-Final Match at the FIFA 2014 World Cup:

1. Your Performance Reputation or Track Record is irrelevant. It is not good enough for today.

2. Rehearsals and practice events are helpful but what you actually do on D-Day is what really counts.

3. There is really nothing like an "under-dog" in life. Everyone has a chance to succeed despite the odds.

4. Do not underestimate your opponent.

5. Do not over-rate yourself. Don't believe the hype. There was a top-dog before you who is now referred to as "former...." or "ex-....".

6. You set your own limit. Germany could have scored about 12 goals!

7. Even when you fail, you are not a failure. Thank God. Do like Coach Scolari who held his head high, consoled his players and hugged the German players.

8. In everything, give God thanks. It could have been worse. Do like the Brazilian players who knelt down publicly and worshipped God despite their loss. There is a tomorrow. And you will win ultimately through Christ who leads you in triumph.

Praise God!




Saturday 5 July 2014

THE NIGERIAN MILITARY AND THE RULE OF LAW

Friday (4th of July, 2014) was a very sad day for the Rule of Law in Lagos. Some soldiers ran amok ostensibly to avenge the death of their colleague who was allegedly killed by a bus belonging to LAGBUS. The soldiers harassed innocent citizens, beat up some of them, burnt some buses, caused traffic to be held up for hours on Ikorodu Road and disrupted the Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) Service throughout the day thereby causing the public untold hardship.

The action of the soldiers is totally unjustifiable. As military men, they need not be told to respect constituted civil authority and how to channel their grievances for appropriate action. Sadly, in what smacks of petty politics, the Minister of State for Defence, Alhaji Musliu Obanikoro, hurriedly issued a statement via his Twitter account denying the culpability of personnel of the Nigeria Army claiming that he had been "fully briefed" about the matter by the Army High Command. The spokesman for the Albati Army Barrack in Ojuelegba, Lagos, where the unruly soldiers are based, was quoted as saying that "area boys" were responsible for the mayhem not soldiers. What investigation was conducted by the Nigeria Army to arrive at such a preposterous conclusion?

Incidents such as this should not be tolerated. Many military personnel seem to believe they are exempted from compliance with the laws of the land. In Lagos, it is common to see military and paramilitary personnel flout the legislation and use the BRT Corridor with impunity. The Governor of Lagos State, Gov. Babatunde Raji Fashola, once caught an Army Colonel being driven in his official vehicle on the BRT lane at CMS Bus stop, Marina.

The National Assembly should wade into the matter and carry out a thorough investigation of the incident. The soldiers who were involved should be identified and severely punished. The message should be clear: no one is above the law.

God bless Nigeria.

Nigeria di fure!